Unachievable Goals
My Back Pain Journey as an Athlete: Intro
As I write the words ‘Unachievable Goals”, I envision life-long athletes thinking that ‘of course goals are achievable!’ Well I am not a life-long athlete, and my goals the last few years as an athlete have absolutely not been achievable. Sharing my story for the ‘most’ of us hopefully helps you feel not as alone as I have felt the last three years as an athletic ‘non-athlete’ ~ if that makes sense to you, you get me.
In retrospect, my body has repeatedly forced me to have unachievable goals at every attempt to reach a goal the last three years. At the end of the day, the goal has always been the same ~ to feel more like my active cyclist self and be able to regularly workout again. Yes I would like to be where I was at when I was 47, 49 (I am now 54)… but as the goals kept getting averted, my expectations eroded and I tempered them to accept less. Doing nothing was never the goal, but my body has had much different plans than my head and heart ~ eventually pulling those down with it.
First there was the goal to ‘fix my iron’ issue.
If you have been following along, my ‘iron issue’ became a bit of a side note to what became my next goal…
The next goal was to get the MPT (menopause transition) ‘under control’. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t really get ‘under control’ (but it definitely can get better with the right partners and solutions).
The next goal was to at long last, after getting through all that (and a cabin build) ~ get back ‘in shape’.
Well, life took a long winding detour on that one. That goal seems more like a lofty dream right now, but I remain hopeful.
About that detour…
After many valiant efforts, to get myself ‘better’, I now sit here 5 days after back surgery officially in ‘recovery’. But for me the question has become, what is recovery to someone who has never ‘recovered’ as an athlete (remember I did not call myself one until the age of 51)? What is recovery to someone who has literally never been treated for any health issues in their life, not spent time in a hospital or with health professionals other than for an annual exam? And what is recovery in the end really ~ will I ever be ‘recovered’?
My lesson in life over the last 3 years has been if there is one thing for sure, it is that it is likely I will never reach my specific athletic goals, because things change along the way. And although it is good to have that end goal in mind, it is likely to be different than I envisioned it. And as an athlete living the path of life, I think what is most important at this stage is to accept the goal changing, rather than to be disappointed when I can’t make it. It is likely that this one ‘fix’, at this point back surgery, is going to make things better for sure ~ it already has, but it is likely things are also going to be different than they were pre MPT and pre surgery.
After 3 years of what has felt very off-track, and a bit over a year of living in excruciating pain, I will say however, I am going to set my sights on my recovery goal ~ with recognition things are likely to alter the direction along the way. What is my goal now? To get my body, and my mind, in a better place. Because when the body falls apart, I have learned the mind follows.
So what exactly has happened to me? The short story: a pinched nerve in my spine (L4-L5) resulting in radiating leg pain that landed me in surgery on May 23, 2025 for a decompression. The long story? There are three parts really:
When things went sideways
What I did to try to get back in-line
Surgery and Recovery.
I am going to write about each of these separately so they are more digestible and easily referenced for anyone else dealing with a similar issue.
As I publish this today, I am finally in week six of a restricted activity six week recovery. On July 9th I have my post-op appointment that I am literally counting down the days for (I have a calendar on my refrigerator I have been crossing the days off on) until I can get clearance to return to exercise and lift more than a gallon of milk. I wait with cautious optimism, and metered excitement, for direction on the next phase of my recovery. And I look forward to sharing my experience with you.