When The Plan is Interrupted
And the Loneliness that Ensues
As a 53 year old menopausal athlete, the last three years, particularly this year, have felt interrupted and incredibly isolating.
I think back to 2022 when the Crash Pad was becoming a reality and the Summer of cycling I ‘missed’ because of it, and then the hip pain that started to present that Autumn.
I think back to the gravel ride in May of 2023 where I couldn’t stay with the group, later realizing my hormones were in major fluctuation during the MPT causing all sorts of chaos in my body. And in turn my mind. I felt alone, very alone.
I think back to the times over the last three years where the MPT made me fall off an exercise cliff stopping me in my tracks as I tried to climb my way back into fitness, again and again and again, thinking ‘okay, that sucked but this time I’m back’. Until the next time…
I think back to that hike in Arizona in February when I decided something had to change, and it meant dropping out of group fitness class indefinitely and going it alone. Very alone.
I think back to all the solo trainer rides I have been doing, some very good. But alone.
And all the solo gravel rides I have been doing, so many were very, very good. Physically and mentally.
Yet I still feel interrupted and alone.
And then there is now.
This week I found out that I have a “L4-L5 disk herniation impinging on the nerve root”. THIS is the reason the last 7 months have been so difficult. THIS is why all the physical therapy I was doing stopped working. THIS is why yet again I fell off the exercise cliff.
After almost two weeks at home, most of it standing, or on my stomach, once again I feel very very interrupted and very very alone.
I expected menopause to disrupt my life in some way, I just never expected it to disrupt my life in the ways it has.
As an athlete, when you find your self time and again unable to do the things you love one of the biggest challenges becomes your mental state of mind. For me, this has been completely unexpected.
The options are to give up, or to keep going. In the darkest of moments of pain in the wee hours of the morning, I now understand how some people give up. But I know that I have to keep going.
Keeping my head screwed on in the right direction the last few years has not been easy. Especially this year. But I know I have the tools to work through the challenges, deal with the reality, and keep going.
And also what I know from my menopause class with other women going through the MPT, is that although it feels like I am alone, I am not alone.
In the coming months I will go in depth more on this experience and share what I have learned.
Although the doctor told me this week my disc issue is not necessarily age related (“it can happen to 15 year olds”), and cyclists are prone to herniated disks, I can not help but think it just might be partly menopause related.
The loss of estrogen changes EVERYTHING and I do find it coincidental that when my body began to dive deeply into the MPT, this issue started to present in subtle ways. Is there anything evidenced based to say definitively? No. but could it be related, my hunch says yes. I will talk a bit more about this when I write my story.
Meanwhile…
More immediately I plan to share my healthcare journey and how I found ‘my’ MPT doctor. That decision has made all the difference in my current web of extended healthcare for my spine. And I know that with all these people by my side, and the people I have yet to meet, I will continue to not be alone.
And maybe, just maybe, if I keep going ~ the cliff’s I keep finding will turn into rolling hills.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you have to deal with this difficult situation, but I’m thankful that you have not given up. The more recent smiles at the end of your post tell me you have found hope. Hope is the most important piece of your story. May the hope continue and the healing begin!